Where was God when I got cancer?

 I wasn't thinking about God when I got cancer.

 I didn't think about Him much at all that day other than to desperately cling to the idea that the end of my life had suddenly come a whole lot clearer than the 'causing trouble in a nursing home' plan I'd been working on. 

I'd seen a doctor in January about what I'd thought was a bump. He'd agreed & said we could remove it for cosmetic purposes. "Very unlikely" to be anything else, he said. I walked out praising the Bible verses I'd just been reading on healing. Surely God had healed me here and all I was suffering from was a case of Anxious Hypochrondria - where EVERYTHING in the world is wrong with you. 

But He hadn't. 

In June my ENT told me that the "very unlikely" was actually "definitely." 

And it was stage 3.

And it was life threatening. 

There was no time to take anything in, no time to debate or ask questions - the wheels had already started turning for the surgical, chemo and radiotherapy journey I was about to go on. I didn't understand. 

God can heal. Why hadn't He healed me of that little bump? Why was it now making me stare my own mortality in the face? Had I done something wrong? Was I not enough of a good Christian? Didn't I pray hard enough or often enough? Was it my fault? Was this a Job like test? Except Job was more "godly" than me. I wouldn't be able to preach and spout wisdom while my friends told me off like Job, I'd lose my temper, pitch a fit. 

As I went for surgery and spent a month in hospital I prayed in spurts, mostly in my head and snatches of prayer. I was too tired, too focused on the trachy tube sticking out of my throat, too wrapped up in my own Poor Me world to pray much. But other people prayed for me. My mum, her wonderful friend I call my Other Mother, my friends, their families. They covered me in prayer when I couldn't myself. 

But I still didn't understand why God hadn't snapped His fingers and healed me all in one. He COULD do it, so why hadn't He? 

When the cycle of chemo and radio started it was easier to pray though I still didn't very much. My faith in God was still there but I didn't understand why I had to go through all this when He could heal me. That cycle of chemo/radio takes over everything. Your days become rounds of appointments and dealing with symptoms (and sneaky trips to Sephora!) I wasn't disappointed or frustrated with Him, I just didn't understand why He hadn't snapped His fingers. When I started to cough up blood clots etc I tended to focus in on myself rather than the big questions, it just became about surviving each day.

During that cycle I started to notice different things about myself. I was still clinging to God and still praying but that me, me, me attitude had gone. The cynical me that passed being jaded off as being tired was gone. I wasn't getting angry and anxious the entire time. My conversations with my family were better, my relationships were better. I was more appreciative. It struck me a few times that it was almost like a personality change - but back to the person I should always have been. I liked this girl, heck, I love her. I realized I didn't want to go back to holding grudges, whinging because this didn't happen or this person didn't talk to me, allowing anxiety and other people to fill my mind. This girl that stood there instead spent time being thankful for a breeze and being polite to the nurses I was coming across. When my Oncologist made a comment about how positive I was to the treatment team I realized that was how I wanted to come across, how I wanted to be. The old negativity and anger just seemed...seemed like they belonged to someone else. 

I'd been broken by cancer but I like the way I've been put back together. 

Around this time I was in long talks with my Mother about the direction I wanted to take career wise. I no longer want to be in mental health nursing and gently broached the subject of public health, something that had been quietly on my heart for years. She loved it. God gave me a peace about it and I knew it was the right choice. My acceptance into the Masters of Public Health took less than 24 hours. 

So, where was God when I got cancer? Why hadn't He healed me from going through any of it?

He was right there. 

In my treating team and in my family. He never left my side while I was in hospital or doing the treatment afterwards. At times I wandered away because of the way I was feeling but He never went anywhere. I might have thought God had left me because I had to go through this experience and have to face speech pathology, side effects etc. He didn't leave me, He was with me through it all so what the devil intended as a test to push me away from God can be used as a testimony instead. He was with me in working on my heart and outlook, teaching me more about life in those few months than Id seen in 33 years. By bringing me face to face with my own mortality, it also brought me face to face with God. 

And it was pretty selfish of me to think that just because I followed God that I shouldn't get cancer, or get away scot free especially when you read about the Apostles and how much they went through, or how much other people have gone through. What I suffered and what I go through now refined me, brought me closer to God and chipped away at a person that struggled and fought all the time. It created someone who is above all, happy. 

And He's here right now too as I prepare for a PET scan in December, giving me words of encouragement and strength whenever I pray, open my Bible, or read through a devotional with a friend. I can feel that my relationship with God is stronger and although I am anxious, my wheels fall off about it and I fear the worst, that is gradually changing to faith. I'll make it through the scan with His help. 

I don't think I would have written this prior to having cancer either because I would have been too frightened of other peoples' opinions or backlash on writing something 'Christian.' I like that this was something I really wanted to write and share. I've met a lot of people in my support group who have a faith and draw comfort from it in their struggles and those are the people I wanted to encourage, as well as anyone who needs to know they're not alone, even if it feels like it right now for you. If you would like to know this awesome Comforter, please comment or email me, I would love to pray with you. 

Emma x