Your Support Team

 

Originally The Cancer Diaries was going to be just retelling my journey but cancer isn't something that just affects the person with the disease. I want this to be a space to talk about anything cancer related, for someone to hopefully find some encouragement or something they were looking for. 

Today I want to write about having a support team. Having one makes going through this journey easier but my support team looks a little different than I thought it would in both good and bad ways. I was bitter about the bad ways for a while until I learnt to forgive those people. That's a hard deal for me, I'm half Italian so I can hold a grudge til the bitter end if I have to, but cancer has taught me there's no place for that bitterness. It's hard to sit fuming over someone not texting when the chemo chair opposite you is filled by a woman in her 40s wearing a cancer cap to stop her hair falling out. 

I was lying on the couch this evening (I still have issues resting!) playing Pokemon Shield when my Mother started watching a Youtube video about forgiveness and how we are called to it. How it is so hard to move forward in faith if we're holding onto bitterness, hurt or anger, like we're still chained to that person or situation. I put down my Switch and started watching, realizing I was still holding bitterness over people I thought would always be part of my support team but hadn't for whatever reason or people I thought *should* be because they held themselves up as paragons of virtue yet they'd gone virtually invisible. I joined the prayer and felt the bitterness go like something clinging to me, forgiving these people. I forgive you, I won't go back and stick my hand in the fire again but I forgive you. 

God has been my biggest support in those moments and my strength.

The good ways my support team grew were so numerous it took me by surprise. Of course my family became part of that support team and in my mothers' case she became my carer for the time I was in hospital and getting outpatient treatment. My dad has always supported me but we've become closer since and he's the one who always has the sympathy for me! Even my brother and I got closer, although we do still refer to each other by insults. They're my solid core of my support team. But two of my best friends, who both happen to live the other side of the world stepped up to join that solid core and it really blessed me. They've always been brilliant best friends anyway but they were there even more - sending photos, asking how things were, talking about anything to take my mind off or cheering on my photos of how much I'd been able to drink that day. I wish they were here so I could hug R & S and tell them both just how much their friendship means to me and how much they support me. 

But other people came forward too. Other friends sent me presents and I mean helpful, thoughtful presents like masks, picc line covers, books, brooches, notebooks, Lush cream. Everything a needing-to-be-distracted Emma needed! They checked in with me far more than I thought they would and slowly I started to realize that they liked me (look, I never said I was quick on the uptake) and that maybe they cared what was happening. It was really nice to move from an emotional place of workplace bullying to realizing more people cared about you than you thought. It gave me such a boost and it still makes me shake my head and grin now when I think about it. 

People I hadn't talked to for years suddenly messaged me and followed up. Sometimes they dropped off again but sometimes they stayed and I've been able to tighten those connections. Just knowing that I'd made some impression when I'd been blindfolded has been an eye opener. You do touch peoples lives even if you think you don't. 

I joined two Facebook Cancer groups and made some lovely friends on there also going through cancer although the whole tongue cancer group are very understanding of whatever you're posting about. It's a great place to discuss the nerve pain in your tongue for example because they know what it feels like, or they've got remedies you might not have tried. The groups have become part of my support team too and its given me a place to encourage and pray for others like the Barnabas I always wanted to be! We celebrate people who are NED and who are cancer free, pray for scans and treatments and sympathize over worries or bad days. The support from people going through the same treatments and situations makes me realize that faith, hope and love really are the strongest. 

But then there's the bad ways too. People I expected to support me didn't. Take my former churchmates for example. I had assumed they would contact me or say something. They didn't and I realized either they hadn't read anything or more likely it just didn't connect. That upset me a little because I thought that they were the people who were meant to wrap around me and cover me with prayer and love. I followed them on Insta didn't I? Left little hearts on their posts, remembered their birthdays. The biggest thing to remember here is not to confuse Jesus with people. People will always let you down. Jesus never will. So those people never joined the support team and slowly I've started the process of going through Insta and Fb realizing that they're actually quite one sided relationships. I want authenticity, so I've been doing a slow cull. 

When it came to this dark teatime of mine, their silence was the loudest thing in the room. 

This will sound odd but I've half kept a running record in my head of who hasn't said anything to me. Its caused me to reexamine those relationships and think about whether they are authentic ones. Do we speak with intention or are we speaking just to be heard? Am I your friend or your therapist? Has it always been a one sided relationship and I'm just seeing it with new eyes? Those are the people I forgive. 

A nurse came into my room whilst I was in hospital following my surgery. She'd gone through breast cancer herself and wanted to share some wisdom with me. She said that I'd find out who people really were and not to be afraid if I lost some. Some cant handle it, some don't want to. The best thing she said was to peacefully let those go if they didn't want to stay and to focus my attention on the ones who did. At the time I was gloomy, bored, sick of the hospital bed and just wanted her to shush so I could go back to napping but now she makes sense. 

I feel it in me too now, there's not that frantic scratching to chase friendships just to have them, or a need to be loved like there was. I don't know if I'd call it confidence or peace. If you've undergone something like it, did it happen to you too? 

Thanks for reading!